My dear friend,
I don’t know if this is a recognizable or just a normal phase in this “parting with a long time job” process. Sometimes, like today, a enormous feeling of anxiety gets a hold of me. I suddenly feel this incredible fear, fear of the unknown and fear of letting go of something I’ve gotten so used to. Fear of letting go of this identity. What is left of me when I don’t have this anymore? And the self-doubt makes me crazy.
Because that voice, that incredibly strict and negative voice within me, appears again. It’s always the first to scold me, to tell me what I did wrong, to be angry at me. This voice is the most negative thing I know and it’s always the first to appear in any situation. I’m not quite sure when or why it started, but it has been a part of my life for such a long time now. This voice can almost always successfully tear me down. And let me doubt myself or even sometimes hate myself. Today it’s saying I quite my job because I was just being lazy, because I couldn’t handle it, because I was too weak and spoiled, that I was just being ungrateful and that I was going to be a failure. Yes, thank you for that.
So I’m struggling, fighting, trying not to listen to it. I’m trying to make the tables turn and let this voice make me stronger instead of weaker. I want to prove it’s wrong and that it has always been wrong. I know this voice will stay with me, probably for the rest of my life. So I’m trying to accept it’s presence. And maybe one day I can shush it when it appears again and laugh at its negative ideas and harsh opinions. Because honestly, they’re often quite ridiculous.
Now just let me panic for a moment and then go back to enjoying my newly acquired freedom again.
I wish you all the best. Hope to see you soon my dear friend.